well.



at this stage, whatever i say indeed is useless coz i decided to walk it already. i already know that it is useless and meaningless to debute this matter but it seems that it's simple - i just cannot let it go. as what james haf mentioned: suggestion is for you to take in. however, like that why still need a leader to decide? doesnt the leader looked like a puppet? well i know that im not flexible and im not fast enough to adapt to changes. i know he's saying for my own good but it seems that i cannot curb it well enough. i know im passion-driven and through this step i know where's my passion lies but all turn out that the 'fear' is overcoming mi much more than my passion that can bring in joy and happiness.

through his work, he decided to separate the task where i feel that its kinda of stupid to do it. well its good for mi as to lighten my workload but on other hand, i prefer my life to be packed. too used to life like that as i haf commitments and work that it everytime packed my life so full that i will in turn treasure it. dun like that much free time though. well for now, it haf been decided but still, its really time for mi to move forward. no point staying at the spot where i already know that its no point staying.

well prefectionist mi indeed haf restriction that i know when i turn into a leader, i will demand it my way. hate restriciton where it cannot make mi fully utilize and make it a wonderful one. now task given and it seems that i cannot afford myself to be at the tip-top momemtium. well prioritize instead of saying sacrifice and give up. indeed its all in the mindset. i live for the sake of myself, to make my life happier. hence do not really care about others is really a little difficult for mi. well for now, i dunno what to do. cannot really listen in. really dun like the way that im experiencing it now. dun feel the sense of achievement, dun feel the sense of commitment and of course dun haf the sense of belonging.

however, take it to a better beginning. i know that my life kinda of screwed up due to all the steps that i haf taken. i know that i prefer working on my own pace. but i think i will just follow what i think is right baa. take his suggestion, work his way. though life may not be exciting towards myself and may not be colourful as what i have expected, but at least others are not affected to what my decisions. well take this step baa. ignorance, sometimes it is a good thing. fear is too overwelming, i believe.

i dun like people give up something which is important to them. i dun like people who disappear just without stating strong reasons behind it. i dun like people betray people who trust them. i just dun like fight, wars, misunderstandings, backstabs and other unnecessary conflicts. maybe because of these, im strict to myself baa. well dun like can in turn turn into hatred or worst of all, see u die. thats me. i did it to joram that time in secondary school le. coz i already state my point in the very beginning but it seems that he dun wan to listen.

now i shouldnt be selfish and keep putting myself, myself and myself up. because of myself, i affected the rest. because of myself, i caused so much troubles to each and everyone who is passion-driven. because of myself, i indirectly giving pressure to others who are helping me in one way or another. but i cannot stop this, because of myself. well im strict to myself in turn of passion, agree. but at times, think i should really put this aside and allow myself to experience something new and should start from stratch again. though i dun really like to start from beginning again as i despite it but it seems that this is inevitable. well even strict to myself, i think i really hate myself. i regret that im made this decision which driving mi turing round and round. maybe this is the stage where i need to cross baa, all by myself. coz it not the fight against the environmental factors that are around mi, but its the fight of mi, myself, the one who is in the mirror.

take the first step. really put my passion aside. though difficult, but i willing to try. when time is ripe, pick it up again. or its fate to decide whether i will continue this passion-driven journey within me.

take a break now and listen to suggestion, and look deep into these.

//shoo shoo~ hate all these things around mi....